Cans are best because they are in our cupboards and in our bathrooms. Cans are used to contain pop and they can be a fun prank if we shake one and then give it to a friend to drink.

Rulers are best as they measure things accurately and they can help us to create perfectly straight lines. Rulers are in charge of important things like kingdoms or countries.

Cans are best because they make food safe to eat for a really disturbing amount of time. Cans can be a touchy subject because if you say “nice cans” to a lady, she is likely to be offended.

Rulers are best because if you are part of the ruling class, you get to boss around the rest of the people. Rulers can cause pain when we use them as an instrument for delivering punishment.

Cans and rulers are both really great but what’s next to compete is books or mice.

Bowls are better because they make us think of a hilarious haircut. Bowls are used to hold soup and cereal and squishy foods like dips.

Pudding is better because it is usually chocolate and delicious. Pudding would make a great tasting substitute to mud when sexy women decide to wrestle.

Bowls are better because sometimes we really want to lick them clean. Bowls are fun to wash because food seems to never really sticks to the inside.

Pudding is better because it is a food that can stay room temperature which makes it a good choice for bagged lunches. Pudding is also really weird word when you look at it and say it a few times.

Bowls and pudding are both really great but what’s next to compete is cans or rulers.

Passwords are better because they imply that we have something worth keeping private. Passwords are another way of putting a lock on something but we use words instead of metal.

Gloves are better because they are like socks for our hands. If you snap a plastic glove onto your hand and smile deviously this will imply a dirty joke.

Passwords are better because we use them nearly every time we use the internet. Passwords give us a sense of security even though we know that if someone really wanted to get into our account, they could.

Gloves are better because there are some things in the world that we never want to touch with our bare hands. Gloves are necessary for playing baseball because without one our hand bones could get broken.

Passwords and gloves are both really great but what’s next to compete is bowls or pudding.

Envelopes are best because we always hope that they contain money. Envelopes don’t have to buy you dinner and you’ll still be willing to lick them.

Vitamins are best because some of them taste like candy and yet other make us nauseous. Vitamins let us know which of our friends fear death and we can tell by the amount of bottles scattered around their house.

Envelopes are best because they contain mystery or can cause fear. Envelopes can make us feel more special if we have many in our mailbox.

Vitamins are best because they make us feel like we have more control over our bodies. Vitamins are are also a rip off because if people ate a healthy diet, nobody would need them.

Envelopes and vitamins are both really great but what’s next to compete is passwords or gloves.

Bachelors are better because they are more fun than their counterpart, old bitter unmarried woman. Bachelors seem to have more sex appeal because it makes us wonder how no lady has captured them yet.

Brides are better because they are allowed to be bitches but instead of calling them that we call them bridezillas.

Bachelors are better because a tiny living space is an efficient use of real estate. Bachelors are also degrees and if you have one you’ll be smarter than the chump that didn’t get their education.

Brides are better because they put money into the economy by throwing a big party just so that they can feel like a princess for a day. Brides are always popular with men as they are about to become forbidden fruit.

Bachelors and brides are both really great but what’s next to compete is envelopes or vitamins.

Pigs are better because they remind us of fat, doughnut eating cops. Pigs are always messy but can be really adorable when they are babies.

Blankets are better because they can make us look even more pathetic when we are sick and wrapped in them. Blankets can be good for putting out people that are on fire.

Pigs are better because they become bacon. Enough said.

Blankets are better because astronauts have their own version which is shiny, thin and silver. Blankets are good for keeping monsters away when we cover out feet and heads while laying in bed.

Pigs and blankets are both really great but what’s next to compete is bachelors or brides.

Watermelons are better because they are packed full of juices. Watermelons are green and pink which makes a fantastic combination of colors.

Knives are best because angry chopping is always fun. Knives are good for self defense and for carving obscenities into park benches.

Watermelons are best because they are big and are usually more than a handful. Watermelons are extremely satisfying to crunch into, especially the first bite of the traditional pyramid shaped slice.

Knives are best because they remind us of Lorena Bobbit and the things that can happen to men when they abuse women. And just like darts, knives are great for throwing.

Watermelons and knives are both really great but what’s next to compete is pigs or blankets.